Autumn is normally my favorite time but this year I dreaded the end of summer. I was not ready for Mother Nature to push ahead into the next season. Every year as I get older seems to go by so much faster, plans and dreams pushed to the side at time rushes by as if it is an overflowing storm drain. It goes so fast it overwhelms me. The faster it goes the more I feel like a deer in headlights seeing my inevitable fate before me. Every breath, every minute seems like borrowed time-could this be because of my job –seeing too much death over the years. Could it be I have known too many people that have died-or is this just part of aging to be aware of my own mortality?
I look in the mirror and I no longer see the young woman I once was-I now see my mother’s face looking back at me-a ghost, a reflection of someone else –a woman who died. It startles me for a minute, then I that person in the mirror, the woman with gray roots, sad eyes and wrinkles is me. I hear my mother’s voice echoing in my head “No it can’t be a heart attack, I am not ready for this I am not ready for this.” That was the first heart attack-she technically did die when she coded and they brought her back-the next one killed her. I know she wasn’t ready to die. I want to live a long life but I know death lurks around corners in shadows and bushes waiting for an unsuspecting person to walk right into its icy grasp.
I am trying desperately to enjoy every minute of this beautiful autumn while battling this paralyzing fear of something I cannot control.